in looking back over the last couple of entries, it comes across as though it was supposed to be something i did for me, and i guess it was, on some level, an attempt to find some sort of future for myself, on my own, with a little help
but now i feel like i just didn't try hard enough, not nearly hard enough - i just sort of floated along and hoped that somehow i would find my niche, something artistic and creative and, oh, i suppose "green" in some way - and i had the idea that somehow i could help my step-dad improve his health and i could make my mother laugh more and my brother and i would work on many projects together and discover our true potential and achieve some elusive goal and we would all get along and there would be no anger or bitterness - but it's still there, lurking in the shadows, it's as much a part of myself as anyone else - i only did a fraction of what i came here to do, and i guess that's something - but so much wasted time and money - none of us are any better off, not really, in hindsight
photo: tjgoogins/spring moth/2009/all rights reserved
so, did i learn patience? no. did i help others? a little, maybe, but not enough to feel too good about it. are we any better off than we were a year and a half ago? not really. so what was gained? what was lost? watching us all languishing in our financial tar pit, seeing our society slipping into a quiet yet angry desperation, worried about the next phase of my life, frightened of what may be ahead, concerned about family and the future, trying to find the courage to keep going... waiting for the other shoe to drop - these are unsettling times, so much anger, we must cling to hope
anyway, that's what is on my mind as i slowly get ready to leave again - oh why do i feel that i can not make one good decision???
however, if i can find some freelance writing gigs, or some part-time mindless thing that will get me to the next phase, and if i can set some goals and actually achieve one (or all) of them, and maybe help someone else along the way, now, that would be worthwhile
but now i feel like i just didn't try hard enough, not nearly hard enough - i just sort of floated along and hoped that somehow i would find my niche, something artistic and creative and, oh, i suppose "green" in some way - and i had the idea that somehow i could help my step-dad improve his health and i could make my mother laugh more and my brother and i would work on many projects together and discover our true potential and achieve some elusive goal and we would all get along and there would be no anger or bitterness - but it's still there, lurking in the shadows, it's as much a part of myself as anyone else - i only did a fraction of what i came here to do, and i guess that's something - but so much wasted time and money - none of us are any better off, not really, in hindsight
photo: tjgoogins/spring moth/2009/all rights reserved
so, did i learn patience? no. did i help others? a little, maybe, but not enough to feel too good about it. are we any better off than we were a year and a half ago? not really. so what was gained? what was lost? watching us all languishing in our financial tar pit, seeing our society slipping into a quiet yet angry desperation, worried about the next phase of my life, frightened of what may be ahead, concerned about family and the future, trying to find the courage to keep going... waiting for the other shoe to drop - these are unsettling times, so much anger, we must cling to hope
anyway, that's what is on my mind as i slowly get ready to leave again - oh why do i feel that i can not make one good decision???
however, if i can find some freelance writing gigs, or some part-time mindless thing that will get me to the next phase, and if i can set some goals and actually achieve one (or all) of them, and maybe help someone else along the way, now, that would be worthwhile
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