Waiting for the Sun

I am awake
Before the Sun
I realize 
I've slept enough
My bed is warm
But still I rise
And in the pre-dawn light
I listen to the stillness
It fills me, thrills me
To watch this primal ritual
As the receding grey
Slowly gives way
To a growing, golden light
Heralding a birth
The Sun is crowning now
And a new day is born
Breathless, I can only hope
That this perfect, precious day
Will never fade away
But it always does
And I am tired of being cold
Tired of growing old
Until it's time to sleep again

Try To Remember ...

Long Island Sound from Hammonasset Beach State Park in Connecticut

"Try to remember the kind of September
When life was slow and oh so mellow...

Try to remember the kind of September
When grass was green and grain was yellow..."

(written by Graham Bickley from the musical The Fantasticks)

October begins tomorrow and soon another year will end. I haven't been blogging a lot during the past 9 months, but that's the gestating period for most humans. And being 66 and childless, what does it mean for me?

Well, I am giving birth to a book... and gifts of jewelry for friends... and cards for expectant mothers and 96-year-old cousins... 

I am slowly moving forward, even though I realize my life expectancy window is getting smaller...

I am a Southern soul who lives in New England, preparing to endure another winter with snow and ice, which I love to look at but loathe living in it... 

In Winter's Icy Grip - 2010

For years, I've tried to embrace it, but seeing endless white everywhere and feeling frozen for weeks at a time is something I don't do well - that's why so many Northerners migrate to Florida, isn't it?

I don't remember feeling so hostile towards winter when I lived in New York City, but I was younger then...

But grumbling about it isn't going to help at all, so I will soldier on...

As for today, it's still Autumn, so I will enjoy it while it lasts, and try to remember...

"Autumn is a second spring, when every leaf is a flower." Albert Camus

Leaves on Lawn - 2016

Happy Autumn...

Freedom From Fear

FEAR: it's everywhere... on television (Sinkholes! Politics!), in dreams (nightmares about being lost) and on the telephone (Doctor: "Your bloodwork shows that your cholesterol has gone up, putting you at risk for a heart attack or stroke. I'm putting you on medication..."). 

She tells me it's not drastically elevated, but "risk analysis" puts me in the "8% most likely" category over the next 10 years... or something like that. And I tell her that years ago, when she put me on a statin, I experienced joint pain and memory loss, so I quit taking them and the symptoms disappeared.

Back then, the "high cholesterol ceiling" used to be 299, but then it changed and went down to 199, putting me (and many other people) within the "acceptable" range and, as a result, on cholesterol-lowering medications. I thought I had dodged that bullet, but the bullet came back.

Abandoned house - TJB 2017

I hate fear. Fear weakens us, causing us to shrink away, stay hidden, hold back, become trapped. I think fear keeps us from being our best selves.

One thing I can do to overcome fear is to be proactive and do things that make me feel like I have at least some control over my life.

Change my diet. Meditate. Take short walks. It's time to stop procrastinating about everything with fear attached to it.

Finish writing that novel. Get the tattoo. Go somewhere I've never been before and stop worrying about getting lost. Eradicate all clutter and keep only what brings me joy. I've been thinking it and saying it for a long time. It's now or never.

Lighthouse, Nassau, Bahamas - TJB 2011

There is no room for fear this year or any of my remaining years. It starts today.

And she lived happily ever after...

"New Year Vows Not To Repeat Itself"

Determined not to make any resolutions for 2019 - promises I promptly forget about and never make good on - today I am making myself actually DO some things that I'd like to continue doing throughout the new year.

In the clammy clutches of illness, I don't have the energy to do much, but at least I put some seed in the bird feeder today. This represents GIVING, which makes me feel good. It could be something as simple as feeding the birds, helping someone in need or doing my part to save our planet...

Next, I'm writing this blog post - that takes care of WRITING - because I want to finish at least one of my writing projects this year, maybe enter a writing contest or two, and do a bit more blogging than I have been. Did you know that it took J. K. Rowling five years to finish her first book, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (or Sorcerer's Stone, as it was called in the U.S.)? Then again, she wasn't a senior citizen when she started writing it, so I do have to pick up the pace a bit.

Finally, I want to fill up one box with things that are no longer useful to me, or that may be useful to someone else, which will be the start of  a year of ORGANIZING (i.e. reducing the clutter). 

That's it, those three things. As always, other goals will be added to the list, but the ones I'm thinking about today are at the top of that list. 

May the new year be everything you want it to be. 

My Books: Secret Pleasure, Secret Treasure

I used to read a lot, but I don't take the time to read much any more, and I miss it. 

The Hoogles and Alexander by Dorothy Langley; illustrated by Cecil Smith

I still have lots of books, mostly in stacks on the floor and crammed into boxes and plastic totes. I prefer non-fiction (Ponder On This, Of Wolves and Men) but I'm picky when it comes to fiction (I love sci-fi, like William Gibson's Neuromancer and Mona Lisa Overdrive, and fanciful stories such as Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series and Tom Robbins' Jitterbug Perfume). My favorite ones, though, are still the books from my childhood: Eloise in Paris, Nancy Drew mysteries, Alice in Wonderland, Winnie the Pooh, a set of books called A Children's Treasury of Stories, the entire Harry Potter series and The Hoogles and Alexander, an obscure but fascinating fantasy tale lovingly written by Dorothy Langley and beautifully illustrated by Cecil Smith.

(see my March 31, 2013 post, from column on the left )

I learned to read at a very young age because my mother read to me every night. She also got me hooked on classical and Big Band music (until The Beatles came along in 1963, of course). She's been gone a little more than two years now, and the sadness I feel every time I think of her and realize she's no longer here makes my heart hurt. That's when I have to rely on my best memories to get me past the pain of losing her. She was such a good person and the best mom. "I had a mother who read to me..."

Birthright Blues

Birthright Blues

Thank you, Mom, for conceiving me
And always believing in me.

Love you, Mom, for being so strong
And loving me for so long.

Miss you, Mom, every single day;
Memories of you, the only way
I can keep you in my heart,
Like you did from the start
When you fell in love with Dad,

And knew that you just had
To tame his inner wild
Until you had a child
Or two...
Thank you.

Love you.

Miss you. 

The Merry Month of May

Well, here we are again. Finally, it's May and the daffodils and other bulbs are still in bloom, along with various other glorious perennials. But the best thing of all about this time of year are seeing the trees preparing to get all leafy and green. We're still getting rain (yesterday was a real soaker) so the grass is growing and glowing, and the sun is warm and bright, yet the temperatures and humidity are very comfortable. This truly is my favorite time of year.

In addition to all of that, I will officially become a senior citizen this month. Although I can't relate to the concept of being an old person, I must admit that I am no longer young (physically); I am, however, still young at heart and I dress and behave accordingly. After all, I am a "boomer."

So far, May is shaping up nicely. I'm in the midst of planning a there-and-right-back-again trip with an "old" friend (and fellow Gemini) to visit our old stomping grounds, New York City. We'll take the train down to Penn Station and be tourists for a few hours, walking the still-familiar streets and avenues and taking in the sights and sounds of my favorite big city. 

This same friend and I have also decided to get our first tattoo together, although that will probably not happen in May but definitely this year, perhaps sometime during the summer. Later this month, closer to my actual birthday, I'm sure I'll be celebrating at home with champagne and cake.

May, with its signs of nature's rebirth and its celebration of life's renewal, offers Americans a myriad of holidays: in 2018 we have Star Wars Day (May 4 - "May The Fourth Be With You"), Cinco de Mayo (May 5), World Laughter Day (May 6), National Teacher Day (May 8), Mothers' Day (May 13), Armed Forces Day (May 19), World Turtle Day (May 23), National Brother Day (May 24) and Memorial Day (May 28). 

For me, though, May also brings a bit of melancholy. Yes, happy birthday to me and I'm forever grateful to my dear mother, but she's no longer here, which makes me very sad. All I can do to heal the wound is to find a way to honor her memory. I think I'll take my cue from nature and plant a beautiful tree, one that will grow tall and live for many years. 

And the Tree of Life tattoo I'm going to get will always remind me of it - and of her. Thank you, Mom... I'll love you forever and a day.