always a lesson to learn

in looking back over the last couple of entries, it comes across as though it was supposed to be something i did for me, and i guess it was, on some level, an attempt to find some sort of future for myself, on my own, with a little help

but now i feel like i just didn't try hard enough, not nearly hard enough - i just sort of floated along and hoped that somehow i would find my niche, something artistic and creative and, oh, i suppose "green" in some way - and i had the idea that somehow i could help my step-dad improve his health and i could make my mother laugh more and my brother and i would work on many projects together and discover our true potential and achieve some elusive goal and we would all get along and there would be no anger or bitterness - but it's still there, lurking in the shadows, it's as much a part of myself as anyone else - i only did a fraction of what i came here to do, and i guess that's something - but so much wasted time and money - none of us are any better off, not really, in hindsight

photo: tjgoogins/spring moth/2009/all rights reserved

so, did i learn patience? no. did i help others? a little, maybe, but not enough to feel too good about it. are we any better off than we were a year and a half ago? not really. so what was gained? what was lost? watching us all languishing in our financial tar pit, seeing our society slipping into a quiet yet angry desperation, worried about the next phase of my life, frightened of what may be ahead, concerned about family and the future, trying to find the courage to keep going... waiting for the other shoe to drop - these are unsettling times, so much anger, we must cling to hope

anyway, that's what is on my mind as i slowly get ready to leave again - oh why do i feel that i can not make one good decision???

however, if i can find some freelance writing gigs, or some part-time mindless thing that will get me to the next phase, and if i can set some goals and actually achieve one (or all) of them, and maybe help someone else along the way, now, that would be worthwhile

thoughts about friendship

photo by jmbuckley/wekiva river/2007/all rights reserved

well, i'm back - getting a stiff neck/shoulders from typing so much - inputting data for the big project (that i'm getting paid for) - nearing completion but still a lot of typing yet to do (and copying and pasting)

meanwhile i have to get serious about packing & purging stuff - i'm such a packrat! mixed feelings about leaving but it is necessary - i came down here to help my folks and i gave it a year and a half - no money, no progress, no accomplishments

i have to say, however, i did reconnect with some old friends (high school & undergrad school) and it was such a wonderful surprise that so many of them showed up for my wedding, people i hadn't seen in years - of course, only a very few had to travel any distance (say, three or four hours of driving) so it was convenient for nearly everyone else, but i was still quite moved that so many people were able to attend - friendship, real friendship, is so precious and special - i have been fortunate that i can count on one hand how many people have betrayed a supposed friendship and that so many have been there for the long haul - whether by phone, or email, or even snail mail, they are still part of my life - so to all my friends i'd like to say...

From now until the end of time
I am your friend and you are mine

T J Googins

the lovely month of may

photo: tom morrell/2009/all rights reserved

ah, well, the reason i did not blog in march was because i had a lot to do - my boyfriend and i have been together for ten years and we finally decided to get married - and april, well, i have been either too busy or too tired - moving again, back to new england - i will always love the south, tho, because that is where my soul dwells!

still working on the same two projects, altho there are a million other ones in between... so this will be a brief blog and i will try to make up for my lack of blogging this summer (no, really!) i need to write something every day and it should be a little easier when i have high-speed and don't have to hassle with dial-up connections (excuses, excuses)